MAY 3RD, 2007

Dana

talking to herself

Why the fuck are my feet so swollen? I better start drinking more water.

 

 

MAY 10TH, 2007

Dana

Cristian, I know you always think I’m a hypochondriac, but come look at my feet.

 

 

Cristian

walks from kitchen over to where Dana’s sitting

Whoa! Gross.

 

 

Dana

I know, right? I’ve been drinking 3 liters of water EVERY DAY. And it’s not getting better. Maybe I should go to the doctor.

 

 

Cristian

poking at Dana’s swollen ankle

It’s probably just from all the running you’ve been doing. Or something. God, you can’t even see your ankle bone. Gross.

 

 

Dana

Listen, you can call my ankles gross once, but it is NOT ok to call them gross twice. That’s just mean.

 

 

Cristian

YOU interrupted me while I was cooking dinner for YOU because YOU wanted me to comment on YOUR ankles. My comment is: Your ankles are gross. Also, you really shouldn’t criticize the person who cooks your dinner.

 

 

Dana

Wow, you are really good at hurting my ankles’ feelings. I hope you sleep ok tonight, after being so mean.

 

 

MAY 20TH, 2007

 

Dana

My God, I have never been so thirsty in all my life.

 

 

Cristian

Dinner’s ready!

 

 

Dana

I can’t eat food, I can only drink water. I’m so freaking thirsty.

walks into the kitchen just in time to see Cristian dump AN ENTIRE SALT SHAKER’S WORTH OF SALT into some pasta

OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

 

 

Cristian

What?! What?!

 

 

Dana

All that salt!

 

 

Cristian

What, you don’t like salt? 

 

 

Dana

Have you been putting that much salt in the food every time you cook?!

 

 

Cristian

It makes it taste good!

 

 

Dana

Cristian, don’t you understand? That’s the reason my feet have been so swollen!

 

 

Cristian

Because of salt? I don’t think so.

 

 

Dana 

Yes, because of salt! Look! Look how much salt is already in the cheese you put in that pasta.  And then you ADDED more salt.

 

 

Cristian

Cheese has salt?

 

 

Dana

brandishing a container of parmesan cheese

Yes, cheese has salt! Oh my God, no wonder your cooking is so much better than mine. 

 

 

Cristian

prissily 

My ankles aren’t swollen. I eat like this all the time.

 

 

Dana

Well, congratulations, you have an indestructible heart.  Meanwhile, I thought I was developing some sort of horrible kidney condition, but it was just you! You and your salt! 

 

 

Cristian

reading the parmesan cheese label

Jeez, ok……………………………….I guess cheese does have salt. 14% of the daily recommended allowance in just one tablespoon!

 

 

Dana

Good Lord, you could have killed me.

Just Yes

 Jenn over at Breed ‘Em and Weep led me to this, and I would be seriously remiss in my blogger duties if I didn’t do the same for you…………click the picture for more children’s books that, sadly, never  were. Sadly.

Big D

 So Cristian and I are in Dallas this weekend, because the best thing to do when you get a new car is immediately drive it hundreds of miles to a city where neither one of you could find your way out of  a paper bag. That way, you can be as NERVOUS AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE when your lover shouts, while pointing across 7 lanes of traffic, ”THAT’S OUR EXIT! THAT’S OUR EXIT! YOU’RE MISSING OUR EXIT!”

So romantic.

Dallas, for those of you who haven’t been here, looks like it was designed by a despotic committee of fourth graders. “More colors! More shapes! More neon!” 

No one knows why Dallas was named Dallas. It was founded by a guy named Bryan, who mentioned at one point that he named the city after a friend, but no one ever got around to pinning him down on who. If you ask me, it was a Brokeback Mountain type of friend, and that’s why Bryan was so foggy on the details.  

Marty, Jack – I have your license plate frames.

I also have a BRAND NEW CAR.

Did I mention that it’s BRAND NEW? And smells like cookies?

Also, because I am a good person, with excellent priorities, I have already given rides to both babies and animals.

His name is Lenny Honda. He looks just like this. I haven’t taken any pictures of my own yet.

Truth in Sales

Me (pen hovering above my checkbook): Ohhhh, this is hard. I’ve never written a check for this much money.

Salesman: If you want the car, you have to write the check .

Me: Fair enough. Fair enough.

Sometimes I Get Really Nervous For No Reason

Me: Oh! I almost forgot. I have one last request. I need some extra license plates frames.

Salesman: ???

Me: Two of them. For my Aunt and Uncle.

Salesman: Do they own Hondas?

Me (nervous): Yes! Of course! Ha ha ha! That’s why they want them. Oh, and they like your dealership’s name.

Salesman: Did they buy them here?

Me (panicking slightly): No. But they would have! If they lived in Austin. But they don’t. But they would have! Ha!

Salesman: No problem. I’ll be right back.

Me (shouting at his disappearing back): I’ll tell them if they ever move to Austin and need to buy a Honda, they have to buy it here! Like a contingency!

So, Marty and Jack, I’m afraid you are now verbally contracted to buy your Hondas from Howdy Honda, should you be shopping in Austin. Sorry about that.

-

I drove my friend’s four year old to school this morning, and he kept asking, in the way that only 4 year olds can, ”Is this a van? Or a car? Or a van? Or a car?”

Nothing I said seemed to clear the matter up. Final verdict: VANCAR.

I WOULD HAVE BEEN THE WORST FUCKING PIONEER EVER

Sometimes, Cristian does the right thing. One such time was my birthday, when he gave me a book on Texas history. I’ve been wanting one since I moved here but, despite intermittent searches at the library/bookstore, I never found one.

Actually, I found plenty of books on Texas history, but everything I found was authored by (there is no delicate way to put this) BATSHIT CRAZY TEXANS. These are the people our state is famous for, and  you can see them coming a mile away. BATSHIT CRAZY TEXANS believe, with all their heart, that

1. Nothing bad ever happened in Texas
2. If something bad happened, it was not a Texan’s fault.

Now, these people can be fun to talk to at a party, but I don’t want them writing my history books.

So. Cristian found me a book called Gone To Texas. Aaaand I’ve been reading it. I thought I would share some highlights with y’all, seeing as how it’s pretty difficult to get Texas history from anyone who isn’t a BATSHIT CRAZY TEXAN.

• Spain claimed Texas back in the early 1500s, but didn’t really care about it. Yes, that’s right, Texas was more or less ignored for the first 100+ years of European exploration. No Gold + No Silver = No Europeans.
• Then this Frenchman, LaSalle,  set out from Florida  with a few hundred colonists. They were aiming to set up shop where the Mississippi meets the Gulf of Mexico. Now, this next part is a little hard to believe, but somehow they managed to MISS THE (MIGHTY) MISSISSIPPI RIVER, and instead ended up settling in what is now Victoria, Texas. This leads to the biggest takeaway I’ve gained from the book so far:
• None of these fucking people had a CLUE where they were. Not A Clue. The first hundred pages of Texas history basically reads like this: “So-and-so set off to go to X, but after 17 shipwrecks and 18 bouts of horrible disease, he ended up settling in Y, where 95% of those colonists not already dead perished of hunger, disease, and/or from murdering each other.”
• Seriously. In LaSalle’s case,  3 of his 4 ships didn’t even make it to Texas. The ship that did make it was smashed into pieces, and a bunch of people died, and as I recall it was winter and by the time the colonists made it ashore THEY DIDN’T EVEN HAVE ANY CLOTHES ON. They washed up on shore NAKED. According to the book, the local Indians sat down on the beach and cried with them. That’s the kind of shape they were in.
• This was 1684. They built a little fort out of boat parts, and managed to last until 1688. They dabbled in cannibalism from time to time, when things got rough.
• In 1688 the 20 remaining colonists were murdered by the aforementioned local Indians, who, I suppose, had grown tired of their uninvited cannibal guests.  
• But! In between 1684 and 1688, La Salle set out – twice - for CANADA.  ON FOOT. On foot, my friends. Because Canada was the closest place he could go for help. He had to turn back both times because, basically, YOU CAN’T WALK TO CANADA FROM TEXAS. I mean, maybe now that we have Walmarts you could, but not back then.  Jesus Christ.
• Also! La Salle – he’s the guy they named the Buick after. FYI.
• So, basically, the first European settlement in Texas was a tiny, doomed colony of French cannibals. But! When the Spaniards got wind of the fact that the French were on their turf they freaked the fuck out and sent a huge contingent of Spaniards and enslaved Indians to find La Salle and co. and kill them, and to establish some Spanish colonies while they were at it. Ironic, considering all the French people were dead already, but there you have it.  La Salle, or, to be more specific, the Spaniards’ hatred of La Salle,  kicked off European encroachment into Texas. The end, for now.

Damn You, New Mexico!

So. David, The Best Car Salesmen I Have Ever Bought a Car From, But Let’s Be Honest Here, That Bar Was Set As Low As It Could Fucking Go By The Only Other Guy To Ever Sell Me A Car, called this morning to give me my weekly update on my new car and its travails travels*.

Yes, that’s right. When you buy a car on backorder from Howdy Honda they call you once a week to tell you how things are progressing. And if that right there doesn’t convince you to move to Texas, then you haven’t tried our Queso.

First I got the thrillingly international message that “Your car is in Naha, Okinawa, and is ready to be shipped.” That was the day I learned my new VIN number. That was also the day Cristian called me excessive. Just because I called him up at work to read him the VIN over the phone. Isn’t it sad that Cristian doesn’t know how to be happy?

Then, about two weeks later, came the reassuringly domestic message that, “The Fit has arrived in San Franciso, and will proceed from there to Houston, and then to Austin. We expect it to arrive the weekend of the 19th.” Cue Living in America!

All of this led up to the most recent, and crappiest, message. The Fit is currently, mysteriously, “held up” in New Mexico.  What the fuck, New Mexico? Give me my car, you peyote-eaters!

This is important only because Georgio is kaput, and I am carless.

-

Real Live Conversation From This Weekend

Dana: Cristian, I am going for my run now. I am not taking my wallet or my keys, so it is very, very important that if you go anywhere that you leave the door unlocked. Otherwise I won’t be able to get back in.

Cristian: Don’t lock the door. Got it.

1 hour later

Dana: Beats sweaty fists uselessly against locked door. Kicks door. Shakes fist at sky.

-

The I Couldn’t Say It Better Myself Department

…if there’s anything I would hope that people who are getting married would take away, it is that they should think twice before feeling that they are culturally obliged to participate in practices and rituals that have no meaning for themselves — and really only mean a paycheck for the people who are selling them stuff.

 

*Travails = old car

  Travels = new car

Yep, we’re registered

Nautica NYC Triathlon Search Results
Name	Age	Gender	City	State	Country
Malan, Dana	29	F	Austin	TX	United States
Holman, Seamus	29	M	Seattle	WA	United States

   

  

 So, yeah, I haven’t mentioned it here, primarily because I feel like a walrus flopping along on sloppy flippers whenever I go running haven’t been training as much as I should be, but I’m doing a triathlon this summer.  And so is Seamus! Believe it or not, he is the only friend I was able to convince to swim in the Hudson River train for a triathlon with me.

Oh yes. That’s right. We’re swimming in the Hudson River. For a MILE. 

After that it’s a quick 25 mile bike ride, and then an easy 6 mile run to the finish line. 

Oooooh I can’t wait. Isn’t that weird?

Although yesterday, during my run, I got so tired that I fantasized about laying down on a park bench for a little nap. WALRUS POWER!

If you only click one link, make it #2

1. Fred Phelps needs a 12 step program for his addiction to funeral protests. If he doesn’t get help soon, he’ll be showing up at puppy funerals, and goldfish flushings. 
2. Yikes! Yikes, yikes, yikes. No thank you. Yikes.
3. Sometimes I’m ok with the libertarian side of Texas.
4. But most of the time, not really.

Wearing on his nerves, just a bit

Dana: So when I put my deposit on the Fit, I had no idea that it would turn out to be Motortrend’s car of the year. For 2007. 

Cristian: Mmmmmm.

Dana: I mean, it wasn’t car of the year for 2006. It’s car of the year for this year.  Anyway, it just seemed to me, based on everything I could figure, to be the best car. And it is!

Cristian: Yes.

Dana: I guess you could say I feel pretty vindicated. Get it? Get it? Vindicated. VINdicated?  Because it’s a car? VIN?

Cristian: …………………………………….

Dana: Oh my God, that was awesome. Motortrend Pun of the Year.

Cristian: We can’t talk about this anymore. We just can’t.

Weenie

I love zombie movies. Hell, don’t we all? Fast zombies, slow zombies, smart zombies, dumb zombies – everyone has their particular preference, but zombies, as a group, are really blazing it up* these days. They’re just so fun, the way they stumble about grunting for braaaiiiinss all the time. Really, that’s all they do. They never stop!

But. I’m a weenie. Parts of Hot Fuzz scared me. Also? Lost.  So what I do is, I wait for the DVD to come out. Then I watch on a small screen at home, alone, in my second story apartment, instead of in the dark, on a giant screen, with 1,000 other people who, for all I know, could already be carrying the zombie virus.

(The second story apartment is important only if I were to get in a situation involving dumb zombies. If the zombies were dumb, I could chop up the stairs and they wouldn’t be able to climb up and get me.)

(That thought process right there got me to sleep after watching Dawn of the Dead. As long as I have a plan, I can handle anything.)

I am telling you all this because the trailer for 28 Weeks Later is out, and DAMN if I can understand a damn thing about the plot except that

1. Yikes, those zombies are threatening some kids.
2. Oh my GOD, that pregnant lady has the rage virus!
3. Ooohh, the military’s killing a lot of people. That’s bad.
4. Run! Zombies! Run! Fire! Run! Zombies!

It looks awesome. And it’s getting good reviews. And I want to know what happens! But I’m going to have to wait 100 years for the DVD to come out because I don’t have the conjones to see it in the theater. I wonder if I could get a doctor to prescribe me just one Xanax, just for one show.

*blazing it up – I invented this. Sort of. I think it might have already existed, maybe? The important thing is, I said it the other day and Cristian hated it so much blood came out his ears. So I say it about 500 times a day now. Awesome!