Whoa, Nellie

For All The Ladies In The World

I see it as a long term investment

Cristian: Dana, what is this?

Dana: Oh. Um. Yeah, that’s like a treat thing I got for the dogs.

Cristian: It looks like a can of Easy Cheese.

Dana: Well, it’s the same idea.

Cristian: Except it says “Liver Pate” on the side.

Dana: Well, yeah, the guy at the store said that was the flavor his dogs like best.

Cristian: How much did this cost?

Dana: Before I tell you, can I please explain how it relates to my dog training philosophy?

Cristian: No, seriously, how much did it cost?

Dana: See, I want to teach Columbo what he can and can’t chew on, and so the things I give him to chew on need to be really, really exciting and yummy so that he’s rewarded for using them.

Cristian: How much did it cost?

Dana: We’ll save money in the long run when he doesn’t eat our shoes!!!!!

Cristian: You scraped the price tag off on purpose, didn’t you?

Dana: Ok, Ok. Ten dollars.

Cristian: Ten dollars?! 

Dana:  You only need a teaspoon at a time!! It’s good for his coat!

Cristian: We’re eating rice and beans and the dogs are eating liver pate.

Dana: That’s only sort of true.

The Malan-Villalobos Home for Needy Pets

Sorry for not posting for so long.

I’ve been embroiled in this dear-God-I’m-becoming-one-of-those-kinds-of-people dog rescue situation, and I didn’t want to post until I was certain of the outcome.

Long story short:

1. Cristian and I decide to take Fluppy for an evening stroll.
2. A sad, sad man stops us as we’re walking and asks if we’ve seen his lost dog. He has a flyer with her name and picture on it. He is so, so sad.  We solemnly promise to keep a lookout. I clutch Fluppy’s leash just a little bit tighter.
3. 20 seconds after the man drives off, a dog runs across the street ahead of us.  This dog looks a lot like the dog on the flyer. A whole Hell of a lot. “Belle!” we call, giddy with do-goodery, “Belle, come here!” 
4. The dog runs right over, thrilled to be greeted in a friendly fashion.
5. Upon inspection, there is no way this dog is Belle.
6. I mean, he has giant testicles, for one thing.
7. What we’ve done is, we’ve called a stray dog over to us. A needy, skinny mutt. With mangy fur.
8. At least he’s friendly.  He practically tap dances alongside as we make our way back home.
9. We lure him into our backyard and close up the gate. Fluppy is pretty much OMGWTF at this point.  She wants us to know that she can tap dance too, that she is the Ann Miller of tap dancing dogs, that there is no way we could ever do any better.
10. A heartfelt conversation is had between the primates of the household. The primates decide to take Lil NoName into Austin’s animal shelter, and adopt him only if it comes down to either us or the executioner’s chair.
11. A week passes. NoName has oodles of charm and a handsome mug, but so do 300 other dogs at the pound.
12. Perhaps his complicating medical factors are what turn potential adopters away? He has heartworms, mange, and a respiratory infection.
13. No one else steps up to bat, so Cristian goes off to the shelter to bail sweet lil NoName out, while I work overtime in anticipation of some hefty vet bills.
14. NoName is NoName no more.  Columbo Malan Villalobos becomes the fifth, and final, resident at 504 Sheraton Ave.

How do we get ourselves into these situations? Picture to come, I promise.

True Love

I have so many wonderful things to say about Alaska. 

We did get to see Aurora Borealis. And Moose. And sled dogs.

 

We spent hours sitting in hot spring water at the top of the world.

 

There was hiking and sleding and snowboarding and curling.

But all of that was secondary to spending time with my chosen family. I am so proud of them, and so proud to belong to them. 

  

Pictures by the ever talented Sxu.

Bad Ass Alaska Hot Springs Adventure

Next week, I’m going to Alaska.

 I’m going to see ice sculptures like this:

 

 and soak in these exact hot springs:

and hopefully see the sky do this (it’s the best time of year for it):

This is a 30th birthday adventure for a whole bunch of my college friends (7 of us). The ever lovely Patti Ventura put the plan into action. I suspect I will be forever grateful.

I’m also extremely grateful to the Minnesotans who sent me winter wear that will keep me from perishing in a hostile climate. 

Star Wars According to a 3 year old

If you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do.

I don’t even know what to do with you Brussels Sprout people.  Has a vegetable ever been so defended?  Isn’t there another cause out there more worthy of  promulgation? 

I mean, I like the little guys ok, but even roasted I find them lacking in…….vitality. They have neither the friendly verve of the roasted beet, nor the amiable sweetness of the roasted carrot. They are bitter little cabbages, even after being given 40 minutes in a hot oven to think about the meaning of life. Yeah, I said it.

Now, Cristian. Cristian is a Brussels Sprout person. Sometimes, even before this local eating endeavor,  I bought us Brussels Sprouts for dinner, because I am a loving and selfless person who also knows how to set things up so I don’t have to do the dishes. On Brussels Sprouts nights, Cristian all but rolls on the dining room floor with anticipation and excitement. So don’t think I haven’t been proselytized when it comes to Brussels Sprouts.  I have heard it all.

So. Much. Cheese.

We are still eating solely local foods.

 A few notes on that topic:

• We are eating a LOT of dairy. Somehow cheese, the anti-carb, has taken the place of grain in our diet.  The thing is,  we aren’t eating pasta, rice, etc right now - we’re eating root vegetables, along with brussel sprouts, broccoli and cauliflower. These vegetables are ok on their own, but really, they TASTE A LOT BETTER WITH CHEESE. Either that, or butter. Or both.
• Also: local cheese is delicious.
• I am sick of doing the dishes. Sick unto death of doing the dishes.
• Everything we’re eating does taste better - fresher, more flavorful, just like all those eat local boosters said it would.
• People at the farmer’s market this time of year are COMPETITIVE.  You want beets? Better get to the market before 9 am. Because all the other local eaters are going to be there, and they don’t want to get stuck eating kale all week any more than you do.
• This would be ridiculously easy to do in California.  Every week Cristian and I go to the fancy gourmet grocery store around the corner from our house, because their produce is all clearly labeled as to where it came from, and 90% of everything is from California. *shakes fist at lucky Californians who aren’t eating brussel sprouts 4 times a week*
• It costs more to eat this way. I have a lot of friends who would argue me to the death on this one - that if you eat vegan, whole foods, just produce and grains, it would be cheaper.  They’re wrong. Everything costs more. Which is totally ok. Cristian does start clawing at his neck at bit, remembering his cold can of bean days, when we’re paying $4.00 a pound for tomatoes, say, or $1.50 for 5 garlic cloves, but  it just costs more, and that’s all there is to it. It’s scary to think that most people on the planet couldn’t afford to eat if it wasn’t for the unsustainable excesses of agribusiness.

In retrospect, I may have overreacted

Scene: A dark bedroom. A clock on the bedstand reads 3:30 am. Two people lay insensate beneath a cozy duvet. A cat sleeps at the foot of the bed. All is quiet.

From stage left, a dog bays: BAROOOOOOOOOOOO! BAROOOOOOOOOOOOO! BAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 

Dana: sits bolt upright, eyes wide: Oh my God, was that FLUPPY?

Cristian: uhhhhhhhh

Dana: Cristian OH MY GOD did you just hear that?!

Cristian: ughhhhhh……

Dana: Fluppy! Fluppy! Come here, girl! Cristian, do you think she’s ok? I’ve never heard her make a noise even anything close to that.

Cristian: pulls pillow over head She bayed in her sleep.

Dana: But she’s never done that before. Maybe she’s hurt. Maybe she was chasing the cat! Fluppy! Come!

Cristian: The cat’s right here.

Said cat has wound herself around Cristian’s head.

Fluppy pads into the room, looking confused.

Dana: pets dog vigorously Fluppy, what happened? Are you ok?  Cristian, I’m going to turn the light on for a second, just to make sure she’s not hurt.

Cristian: Ohhhhh, it was just a dream. She’s fine. TURN OFF THE LIGHT.

Dana: Well, then, why isn’t she wagging her tail? I’m petting her and she’s NOT EVEN wagging her tail, that’s just not normal.

Cristian: pulls pillow futher over his head, mutters something inaudible

Dana: What? What did you just say?

Cristian: I said, I can’t believe I’m having a conversation about why Fluppy isn’t wagging her tail. It’s 3 in the morning.

Dana: She’s still not wagging her tail. Fluppy, do you want a treat? See, look at that, she’s not even wagging her tail when I talk about treats. Something is up.

Cristian: Maybe she’s TIRED.

Dana: It’s almost as if you don’t want to talk about this right now.

Cristian: It’s exactly like that. It’s just exactly like that.

Dana: I don’t think I can just fall back asleep without knowing what happened. I’m all keyed up.

Cristian: ………………………..

Dana: I mean, don’t you want to know why Fluppy is baying like the Hound of the Baskervilles? Doesn’t that seem strange to you?

Cristian:……………………………..

Dana: Ok, I’m going to go give Fluppy a treat and see if she’ll wag her tail then.

Cristian:…………………………………………..

Dana gets up, exits stage left with the dog.

A minute passes

Dana reenters stage left 

Dana: Good news. She wagged her tail a little bit when I gave her a treat. Not like normal, but I think she’s just tired and confused. I think she’ll be fine.

Cristian: Great. Great news.

Dana: getting back into bed But can you believe what a crazy noise that was? It sounded like a Hell Hound.

Cristian: mmmmmmmm

Dana: snuggling down under the covers And she’s never made a noise like that before…..

Cristian: Shhhhhhhhh

Stage right: The neighbor’s rooster begins to crow. Loudly.