Nothing I Can Do About it Now

March 12, 2007

Your Intrepid Girl Reporter’s Recent Wedding Shower Experience

Filed under: feminism — dregina @ 5:07 pm

ohhh, the cooing, y’all. The cooing, it hurt my ears.  Everything was so niiiiice, so cuuute, so preeetty. 18 women in one small room, cooing. Every three or four minutes I would realize that I had drawn my shoulders halfway up to my ears and would have to rearrange my posture so as not to be visibly cringing from the noise.

I should take a moment here to acknowledge that yes, my heart is two sizes too small, and that as a result I have extremely antisocial reactions to

  • wedding showers
  • baby showers
  • when people bring their baby to work and want everyone to pass it around and hold it and talk about it
  • when people I work with but don’t know very well or particularly like annouce their engagement or pregnancy at work
  • secret santas  

Maybe someday I’ll write an entry about all the different kinds of trouble I’ve gotten myself into with Secret Santas over the years. Oh my Christ, I cannot stand the freaking Secret Santa.


There were the typical wedding shower games. First up was bingo, but with wedding related words.  I was poised for a win with four in a row – Pewter, Wedding Bells, Romance, and Crystal. All I needed was Mother-in-Law, but, alas, Bridesmaids got called instead, and I was beat out. 0 for 1.

Next up – time to make some wedding gowns out of toilet paper! Everyone’s heard of this game, right? It’s actually not that bad. You’re basically TPing a live, actual human person, which is fun, and then they walk around with the Toilet Paper roll in their hand with a little pouf of TP sticking out, pretending it’s a bouquet, and it’s kind of like everyone has reverted back to their 8 year old selves.  My heart was not too small for this game.

Also, our team won. 1 out 2.

Then. Then. Then. There was a kissing game.

 A kissing a poster game.

A kissing a poster with a picture of Mark Ruffalo on it game.

We all had to put on bright red lipstick, and then we took turns being blindfolded, spun around, and then pushed into said poster, which we were to kiss with the hopes that our kiss would land on the lips of Mr. Ruffalo. Who ever kissed the closest to his lips would be crowned winner.

Aaaannd – I won that one. Because God has a great sense of humor. I didn’t deserve it. But I totally won. I got a loofah and a comb and some black tea. Also, I got to tell Cristian that I was in a kissing contest with all my coworkers, and that I won. I get to tell everyone that.

2 out of 3. Not bad at all.

Then there was some present opening and cake and much more cooing and cooing and oh, the cooing.

And then it was over. And I was led to ponder my small, shrivelled heart on the long ride home.

Why are these rites of femininity so freaking hard for me? How many women there were being sincere, and how many felt trapped in a role that they had to play? Is it better to go along and play the role, out of kindness and consideration, or is it better to be honest and say, “This is not the kind of woman I am?”

The women who threw this wedding shower weren’t responsible for my happiness or comfort. I wouldn’t want them to feel they were. I went to a wedding shower and had a typical wedding shower experience. It’s somewhat absurd that I’ve wasted this many words on it.

It’s the longing to be known that keeps coming back to me. I would like to be able to say to the women I work with, “I don’t want to get married,” or “Before I dated Cristian, I dated this awesome woman named Megan,” or, “I think Bingo would be more fun with jello shots.”



  1. I recently won a prize for “most laughs” at a baby shower. We were instructed to write out parenting tips on a notecard. Obviously nothing is sacred to me and everything is a laughing matter.

    Comment by Suzanne — March 13, 2007 @ 9:32 am

  2. i won a $20 gas card at the strip club we went to for my friend Nathan’s bachelor party. i think that the final naked lady viewing before marriage is just as ridiculous, but i’d choose it over a baby or bridal shower any day.

    Comment by p$ — March 13, 2007 @ 12:53 pm

  3. you got a loofah? was Bill O’Reilly involved in this at all?

    Comment by UJ — March 19, 2007 @ 2:27 pm

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