Nothing I Can Do About it Now

April 3, 2007

There are just no words.

Filed under: Uncategorized — dregina @ 4:41 pm

Scene: A cozy apartment bedroom. Cristian lays sprawled across a full size bed, clad only in black-on-black striped satin boxer shorts. A loyal, rufus dog lays attentively next to the bed, waiting for movement. A fan turns lazily overhead – clothes are strewn on the floor here and there; books are stacked haphazardly on bedside tables and a dresser. Stage left, a door opens. Dana enters, wearing her pajama/yoga/sloppy dogwalking pants and a t-shirt with a stain on the boob.  

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Dana     

             Sits on the bed where Cristian lies, gently pats his face

Cristian, you said you wanted me to wake you up at nine….. It’s nine. Can you hear me? You wanted me to wake you up…

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Cristian

Unnnggghh. Bllllllleeeh. Fehhhhhhhhh.

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Dana

Ok. I’m calling that awake. Coffee’s on. Good morning, sweetie.    

 Stands up, visibly startles, bends down, picks up a wet dishrag that was laying next to the bed

What the hell?

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Cristian 

Unnnggghh. Bllllllleeeh. Fehhhhhhhhh.           

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                                              .

Dana 

holding the damp dishcloth in her hand as she speaks

Cristian? Did you bring one of the dishrags in here last night? Do you know why there would be a wet dishrag next to the bed?

Looks at dog suspiciously. Dog, who has no poker face, smiles and wags her tail. Dog is cleared of any involvement.

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Cristian

Speaking as though each word weighs 400 pounds 

What…………time……………….is………………it?

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Dana

It’s nine. Nine a.m. Remember, you wanted me to wake you up?

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Cristian

Speaking becomes a bit easier – the words are only 200 pounds now

It’s……………………nine?

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Dana

Yes, it’s nine. Nine a.m. I stepped on this wet dishrag just now. It was next to the bed. Do you know why it’s in here? It’s really wet.

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Cristian

100 pound words

My…..balls. They were……so itchy.

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Dana 

With a look of disbelief, comingled with horror

Your balls?

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Cristian

Eyes are still shut; brain-to-mouth filter has not been turned on

Yeah…..it was really disgusting……..they were so itchy.  I couldn’t sleep. I thought maybe it was some kind of fungus. So I iced them.

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Dana 

You iced your balls with one of my dishrags?

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Cristian

Dana’s sudden change in tone hastens the waking process, but his eyes are still shut.

They were so itchy…….I thought maybe I got some fungus from the Hot Springs…..The ice helped…...

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Dana

You iced your balls with one of my dishrags?  Was there something about using a washcloth that was somehow distasteful for you? Because I have, like, 20 washcloths in the closet. Did you not know I have washcloths? Do you want me to show you where they are?

Cristian

opens his eyes resignedly, sits up on  the side of the bed

I didn’t think about it. I just wanted some ice. I was tired…….it was like, 4 am or something.

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Dana

Trying hard to put the pieces together and believe that yes, this is actually her life

 You know, you love someone, you invite them into your life, you know it’s a leap, but  you don’t think they’re going to end up holding your dishrags to their genitals for no good reason.  Then hey! it happens and you realize life is just a series of adjustments. Now I’m adjusting to you putting your balls on my dishrag.  I don’t see why I have to adjust to it,  though.  Is this an adjustment I have to make? I guess so.

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Cristian

has heard Dana wax poetic on the nonromantic places love will take one more than once before.  Stands up and takes the offending material from her hand

Yeah……I guess I didn’t really think about that. I’m sorry. Here. I’ll take it.

Staggers offstage, through the door that is stage left, carrying the ball rag. 

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 Long silence, while Dana begins to make the bed 

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Dana

With a look of sudden realization, followed by a shout

Cristian! You did not put that dishrag back in the sink!

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Shorter silence. Cristian appears back through the stage left door, carrying the ball rag in his hand

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Cristian

he is so obviously lying

Nooo, No, No, No. Not me. I put it….on…..the floor. 

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Dana

The floor. 

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Cristian

Maybe I should put it in the hamper.  

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Dana

That’s certainly an option.  

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short pause

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Cristian

Finally awake enough for implications

Are you going to put this in your blog?

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1 Comment »

  1. i hope you at least bought him some cream after posting this….for his ego.

    Comment by p$ — April 4, 2007 @ 11:38 am


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