Nothing I Can Do About it Now

June 5, 2007


Filed under: Uncategorized — dregina @ 4:31 pm

For the past few weeks I have been experiencing the internal noise equivalent of oh, say, 1683 guitars playing Smoke on The Water at once.

I swear, I’m going to remember this, that anytime I want to TURN UP THE FREUDIAN VOLUME and really get to know all my different parts – id, ego, superego, lazyego, hungryego, thirstyego, timemanagementego  – all I have to do is impersonate a jock and BAM! – there they are. Waiting. For me.

Running feels really, really good AFTER I’ve done it. Sometimes it feels good a mile or two in. But in the morning? When I have to get out of bed, put on my special Texas themed running socks and get out the door? My id and superego are both SCREAMING. Kicking and fighting. Like a pair of very compelling, lawyerly BABIES.  It’s too hot, it’s too humid, I don’t want to go, I’m sore from yesterday, my time is going to be terrible, ohhh, I don’t want to do this, there’s nothing wrong with just staying in bed.

It happens while I’m exercising too. I’ll never make it up this hill, I’ll never make it up this hill, I’ll never make it up this hill.

Guess what? Thinking I’ll never make it up this hill does NOT make it any easier to get to the top of said hill. Ever.

When you come down to brass tacks, these are just clever variations on the basic mental message of I Can’t.  At some point in my life, a large part of myself aquired a SuperQuitter attitude, and it really wants the rest of me to join it. On the couch.

There is a good side to INTERNAL CRITICPALOOZA O7.   These voices I’m hearing are normally just background static. And they are really toxic. Hopefully I can move them, literally move them right out of my body, as I get stronger – as I keep with it. Keeping with it, I think, is much more important than actually getting stronger, although that will happen too.

I get up in the morning. I ignore the voices. I put on the socks. I go out the door.  I Can’t becomes I Just Did – over, and over again.


1 Comment »

  1. So far, running only feels good when I’m listening to certain songs, specifically 99 Red Balloons, which I can only really get away with twice during a workout, at the most. Sometimes a good Queen song or Run Lola Run will do the trick too. I need more glorious uptempo songs to rotate into the mix soon.

    Otherwise, I’m on the verge of quitting every step (occasionally i do just throw in the towel and clip a mile or two off the daily goal). I try to visualize racing through central park with people cheering and water stations every mile. It better be worth it. Lunch will be…

    Comment by seamusmh — June 6, 2007 @ 2:51 am

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